Football transfer rumours: Nicolás Gaitán to Liverpool or Manchester United?

Today’s fluff needs a holiday after the holiday

It really is all going horribly wrong at Chelsea, what with them being five points off the top and there being only 108 points to play for. Thankfully José Mourinho has a plan to sort it all out. Not content with bringing Pedro in from Barcelona for £21.2m and Baba Rahman in from Augsburg for £21.7m, he’ll also scoop another £40m out of the underground reservoir at Stamford Bridge to make Everton’s John Stones his new David Luiz, dribbling dangerously out of defence so often that teams forget they are playing Chelsea, loosen up and allow Eden Hazard, Pedro and Diego Costa to score three hat-tricks each. Mourinho knows all about Muhammad Ali’s tactics at the Rumble in the Jungle.

But first he needs a fall-guy. Step forward Branislav Ivanovic who, after watching Jefferson Montero and Raheem Sterling run rings round him for the past two matches, is so discombobulated he could be sold to Bayern Munich without realising what’s happened until he sees Mario Götze waving his arms around like a maniac asking him for the ball. Willian and Juan Cuadrado will also be told to do one. The Brazilian will be reminded that Paris is lovely this time of year while the Colombian will be packed off back to Italy with instructions to find the first touch he left behind when he joined Chelsea. Juventus may help him locate it.

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